Communicate Effectively
Effective communication can help you express who you are and help you get along with other people. This is especially helpful in dealing with roommates and the diverse group of people who attend college. To communicate your needs effectively, be assertive, not passive and not aggressive.
Assertiveness. This is a true expression of your wants and needs. It means standing up for your rights and needs in a manner that increases the chance of achieving your goals. An assertive response allows you to express your feelings build self respect, and feel good about yourself. The persons with whom you are being assertive will feel good about themselves, too.
Passiveness. This is an inability to stand up for your rights, thoughts, and feelings or communicating them in a weak, ineffective manner. When you are passive, you allow others persons’ needs and beliefs to be more important than yours. As a result, your needs may not be met and you can end up feeling angry, resentful, and hurt.
Aggressiveness. This is a domineering or condescending expression towards another person. You express your wants and needs, but at the humiliation of someone else. This results in the other person feeling angry and resentful. It may also cause you to feel guilty later about comments you made.
Listed below are examples of assertive, passive, and aggressive responses to a situation in which your roommate plays his stereo loudly while you are trying to study and sleep.
Assertive response: “I need to have less noise in order to focus on my studying. I would appreciate it, too, if the stereo was turned off when I go to bed or if you used earphones to listen to the music when I go to sleep.”
Passive response: Leaving the room to study elsewhere when you don’t want to or not saying anything and as a result, not getting your work done and/or not getting enough sleep.
Aggressive response: “You are a deaf, inconsiderate animal. How do you expect me to study and sleep while your stupid stereo is blasting?” Another aggressive response would be to get up in a huff, turn the stereo off, or to throw it out the window!
To help you communicate in an assertive way:
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Begin statements with “I” instead of “you.” For example, start a statement with “I need,” “I want,” or “I would like it if...” Don’t begin statements with accusations, such as “You idiot,” “You selfish brat,” etc. |
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Make sure that your facial expressions and gestures convey the message you are saying. Don’t laugh when you are serious. Use your hands to highlight feelings, but don’t make a fist, which displays aggression. |
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Use short sentences. Be specific and clear. Don’t shout or speak too softly. Don’t whine. |
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Be relaxed, natural, and concerned. Avoid slouching, putting your hands in pockets, and not facing the person you are talking to. |
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Use good eye contact to convey self-confidence and interest. Don’t stare at the other person; this comes across as a challenge. |
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Ask for feedback from the other person to make sure he or she understood your need or opinion. At this point, be an active listener and allow the other person to express his or her need and opinion. Try to come to a conclusion of what can be done to meet both of your needs. Compromise, if necessary. |